Wow it's 6 weeks. So much has changed. We have become stronger as a couple. I feel like nothing can break us away from each other. Sometimes I feel weak and wonder if I could make it through another one of these. But then I see a picture of him and know that it's worth it. He is worth everything. I'm so in love with the boy I have watched become a man. And he's watching me become a woman. I have not broken down in public since the time at work. I'm proud of myself. I know it's only a matter of time till it happens again. It just seems like I'm a lone. Like I'm going through this deployment on my own. Carley has been there for me. But thats over the computer. She's in TX. Someone a little closer to home would be great. (Don't get me wrong, I love Carley to death right now cause she puts up with my weird and random messages and my sudden mood changes) It just seems like no one is hear for me like I would be for them. I treat the people around me better then I get treated sometimes. I'm still debting if I'm getting a new job for the summer. I'm really attached to the kids at my work...
I leave for Europe in 3 days! I'm pretty much packed. I can't pack everything right now cause tehn I would be out of clothes for the next three days! I'm so excited but I'm worried cause Austen isn't going to be able to talk to me. I worry about him all the time. And I always try to be here for him, and to try and help him. I know him talking to me helps him out so much. I'm going to try to e-mail. But I'm not sure when I'll get teh chance to get on a computer. Other then that I'm excited.
I'll have lots of pictures to post. So there won't be a week 7 update. But there will be a week 8 about the trip! Thanks to the few people that have shown consern and said that they are here for me. It means so much to me right now because I need all the friends and help I can get.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Week 5 and half
He's gone. This is actually the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Him being here was GREAT. Oh my god did we have a great time just being together and hanging out. Most of the time we spent at his parents house just chilling. Today I'm a wreck. Work made me come in for 30 minutes. I was outside with the school age kids and I couldn't keep myself together. I just started crying. One of the kids was comforting me. I haven't been able to control it. I'm praying tomorrow is easier. I won't be hearing from him for a few days. I've never gone 24 hours without hearing his voice! This is the scarest thing in the world for me right now. And the worse part is I can't seem to find much support aroud me. I know I have Megan and Jamie, but after that I don't really have anyone else to turn to when those lonely nights get hard. No one seems to understand sometimes. I can't do this alone. I thought I might be able to but I can't. I'm trying to be strong, sometimes I surprise myself that I'm stronger then I thought, other times I feel like I'm worthless. I'm trying my best to be that perfect person for everyone. But in the end it seems I let myself down. I'm still debating if I'm going to try and find a new job this summer. Better pay would be great and it would really help me save up more for our future. But I love the kids. I'm still just waiting till summer, once that comes I can work full time. I'm really excited about starting up home care once I get to laughlin AFB. 6 or less kids! OMG thats going to be crazy easy compared to what I'm use to =)I hope everyone prays for austen, that he stays safe and out of trouble. I'm so scared and worried about him. I love him beyond words.
An update
So these are just my last 4 weeks of blogs from a different site (aka myspace =))
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wow week 4 update! Times going by fast but some days are slow. I should be seeing him on Thursday! I’m hoping to be able to go to the airport and jump into his arms but it depends when he comes in and if I’m working. I would try to take off but I’m going to Europe soon and I’m going to have my credit card bill to pay off. I can go see him after work anyway and before work. I’ll be able to take mentorship off cause I’m almost up todate on my hours! which is awesome. I just miss that safe feeling I have with him. Knowing he’s watching over me and taking care of me =)I’ve had a normal week. I’ve been a little emotional but actaully not too bad i think. I kow it’s gonig to get worse soon but I’m doing ok right now.Camp was awesome but omg am I tired!!! My voice hurts too from yelling across camp. I really wish i would of applied for the 4-H staff job, but oh well. I’ll make more working at my current job. But I would also be living at camp and away from home at the camp job. Oh well the money is more important since I’m getting married. Plus I love my kids at work and I plan to go to college for early childhood development. I feel like I’m just waiting for time to pass. Waiting to see austen, waiting to go to europe waiting to graduate, waiting to work full time, waiting to go to camp, waiting to see austen for those two weeks, waiting to get married, just waiting for everything. I’m sure it will get better sooner or later, but I would rather it be soon. I guess my week could of been worse, but it was actually really good.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
So I have my ups and downs. Some day I barely cry, only when we have to get off the phone. Other times I'm a wreck. The weekdays are the best. I stay so busy and thats great. I try to do stuff on the weekends. But I can't fill them in like I can my weekdays. I try hard to just not think about him. I'm scared beyond anythign though. I'm worried that he'll come back changed and not love me anymore. I am worried he'll get hurt. I'm scared something ten times worse will happen. I can't even bring myself to say it. So many tings could go wrong. I don't want him to change. I love how he is now. I love everythign about him. Even other times that annoys me. I've learned to live with it. I'm just scared. I want him home and safe. I don't want to have to worry about him like this. I just want to be able to call him... Next weekend I have camp. Which will be great! I love clover buds. I'm so excited about going. This will be my 6th time. I've gone the most out of any other councilor on the North East District :) Only bad part is I'm not going to be able to talk to austen. It's three weeks till my Europe trip!!!! Thats going to be great but horrible. It's going to be a whole week of no phone calls from Austen. But I'll be seeing the world with a long ass plane ride!!Peace out ya'll. I'm excited about my new super smash bros brawl game! :):):)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
it's getting harder. We are talking even less now because his cell is broken. I come home from work almost every day and just go upstairs and cry. I'm pathtic... I don't have him to talk to anymore. I'm not doing well. I'm just going through the motions. And he hasn't even left the states yet! He's still in training and I'm an emotional wreck. My parents don't understand and pretty much expect me to always be smiling. Which is pretty hard when all you want is them to leave you alone. I just want to be able to call him when i want. But the AF had to take him away and on top of that he doesn't even get to do his job while he's over there!! Friday was a good day though. I went to the circus which was great fun! And then had dinner with the family. And then Caitie called and I went to the mall ad got my belly button pierced :) though inbetween those times i did cry. I have my good days and bad days. My moods are always changing and i hate this.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
So it's been pretty much a week since he left. And I'm lucky cause I have been able to talk to him everyday. Somedays it might noy be for two minutes but I still get to hear his wonderful voice. Just about everyday i cry a little. Somedays more then others. I'm not as back as a thought i would be. I know it's only going to get worse in a little less then a month. I can only hold on to what i have right now and try to make the most of it. I treasure every moment he's able to call me or text me. I send him pictures everyday and he does the same when he's able to.Something that we didn't expect to come out of this is both of us are falling more in love with each other. I pray that it lasts and that going over to the war doesn't effect him too much. I will always love him though and never give up. As for me I've been getting anoyed a lot more then i usually do. The slighest things are pissing me off. I think that is just because I don't have austen to talk to anymore like a use to. I use to tell im everything that was going on when it was going on and stuff. Now I'm very limited to the time i get to tell him things. I'm waiting on a call from him today. I hope i get one. We got to talk for over an hour yesterday and that was so great!!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wow week 4 update! Times going by fast but some days are slow. I should be seeing him on Thursday! I’m hoping to be able to go to the airport and jump into his arms but it depends when he comes in and if I’m working. I would try to take off but I’m going to Europe soon and I’m going to have my credit card bill to pay off. I can go see him after work anyway and before work. I’ll be able to take mentorship off cause I’m almost up todate on my hours! which is awesome. I just miss that safe feeling I have with him. Knowing he’s watching over me and taking care of me =)I’ve had a normal week. I’ve been a little emotional but actaully not too bad i think. I kow it’s gonig to get worse soon but I’m doing ok right now.Camp was awesome but omg am I tired!!! My voice hurts too from yelling across camp. I really wish i would of applied for the 4-H staff job, but oh well. I’ll make more working at my current job. But I would also be living at camp and away from home at the camp job. Oh well the money is more important since I’m getting married. Plus I love my kids at work and I plan to go to college for early childhood development. I feel like I’m just waiting for time to pass. Waiting to see austen, waiting to go to europe waiting to graduate, waiting to work full time, waiting to go to camp, waiting to see austen for those two weeks, waiting to get married, just waiting for everything. I’m sure it will get better sooner or later, but I would rather it be soon. I guess my week could of been worse, but it was actually really good.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
So I have my ups and downs. Some day I barely cry, only when we have to get off the phone. Other times I'm a wreck. The weekdays are the best. I stay so busy and thats great. I try to do stuff on the weekends. But I can't fill them in like I can my weekdays. I try hard to just not think about him. I'm scared beyond anythign though. I'm worried that he'll come back changed and not love me anymore. I am worried he'll get hurt. I'm scared something ten times worse will happen. I can't even bring myself to say it. So many tings could go wrong. I don't want him to change. I love how he is now. I love everythign about him. Even other times that annoys me. I've learned to live with it. I'm just scared. I want him home and safe. I don't want to have to worry about him like this. I just want to be able to call him... Next weekend I have camp. Which will be great! I love clover buds. I'm so excited about going. This will be my 6th time. I've gone the most out of any other councilor on the North East District :) Only bad part is I'm not going to be able to talk to austen. It's three weeks till my Europe trip!!!! Thats going to be great but horrible. It's going to be a whole week of no phone calls from Austen. But I'll be seeing the world with a long ass plane ride!!Peace out ya'll. I'm excited about my new super smash bros brawl game! :):):)
Saturday, March 01, 2008
it's getting harder. We are talking even less now because his cell is broken. I come home from work almost every day and just go upstairs and cry. I'm pathtic... I don't have him to talk to anymore. I'm not doing well. I'm just going through the motions. And he hasn't even left the states yet! He's still in training and I'm an emotional wreck. My parents don't understand and pretty much expect me to always be smiling. Which is pretty hard when all you want is them to leave you alone. I just want to be able to call him when i want. But the AF had to take him away and on top of that he doesn't even get to do his job while he's over there!! Friday was a good day though. I went to the circus which was great fun! And then had dinner with the family. And then Caitie called and I went to the mall ad got my belly button pierced :) though inbetween those times i did cry. I have my good days and bad days. My moods are always changing and i hate this.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
So it's been pretty much a week since he left. And I'm lucky cause I have been able to talk to him everyday. Somedays it might noy be for two minutes but I still get to hear his wonderful voice. Just about everyday i cry a little. Somedays more then others. I'm not as back as a thought i would be. I know it's only going to get worse in a little less then a month. I can only hold on to what i have right now and try to make the most of it. I treasure every moment he's able to call me or text me. I send him pictures everyday and he does the same when he's able to.Something that we didn't expect to come out of this is both of us are falling more in love with each other. I pray that it lasts and that going over to the war doesn't effect him too much. I will always love him though and never give up. As for me I've been getting anoyed a lot more then i usually do. The slighest things are pissing me off. I think that is just because I don't have austen to talk to anymore like a use to. I use to tell im everything that was going on when it was going on and stuff. Now I'm very limited to the time i get to tell him things. I'm waiting on a call from him today. I hope i get one. We got to talk for over an hour yesterday and that was so great!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
